What if I told you?

The healing process. Why does it seem never ending? Why is it that half a year can go by..without a thought of "that one guy who I totally liked". Then, one day- all these emotions just knock on my door, without warning. Without welcome. And it's on my mind. It's annoying and painful. 

It's been a little over a year. I should've forgotten him by now, right? Believe me when I tell you that every single atom of my body wants to move on and forget him. Every ounce of my soul yearns for an undamaged heart. So to answer that question--Oh, boy.. do I wish it were that easy.

I'm no expert. But I think the reason I get these "knocks" on my door...is because I never really let the emotions out in the first place. I've held onto them..deep inside, fearing vulnerability. Burying the experience and ignoring it. But repression is a temporary solution. So, today..I share with you my vulnerability. I'm getting the shovel and digging back up the unfinished business that lives in my heart. With hopes of truly healing, with a lifetime free of those awful reminders.

See, the truth is- and it's almost sickening to admit- that I miss the feelings I had when I was with him. I miss his care free spirit and ability to make me laugh. Like really genuinely..obnoxiously..belly laugh. I miss how a conversation about nothing could turn into the best moments, ever. I miss the feeling of butterflies- that only he could give me. That giddiness..that happiness...that wholeness... I miss his smile and bickering back and forth. I miss the nicknames and pure fun times. I miss saying the most embarrassing things, because I was so darn nervous. I miss looking up music video's and telling him stories. I miss having such a special connection with someone.I miss having him in my life. I just miss my friend. And trust me, I feel like a complete idiot saying all of this. I feel like I'm making a fool of myself. Because why- WHY- has it been so difficult for me...to say goodbye.. 

I'm afraid that I'll never have an experience like that again. So, I hold on to every memory.. so I'll never forget what it's like. So I remember that there's hope. That it exists. To meet someone who drives you crazy..but against all odds- you manage to love them anyway. Just for who they are. I loved him as a person. I was never in love with him. And that's the hard part. Recognizing that now..after I've already lost him. 

There's a song by Jason Walker..titled, What if I told you. I agonize over that question. Lose sleep over it. What if I'd just told him how I felt, before it was too late. When he asked me what was wrong..what if I had told him the truth, instead of lying? Not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. Pathetic, right? 

But there's also a part of me that is so very angry. That's so disgusted with myself- for even wanting to put myself in that position again. He hurt me. So bad. And because of that experience, I have a terribly tough time with letting people get close to me. In fact, I'm a master at ignoring guys. To protect my heart- I stay numb. To the entire "guy" situation. It scares the hell out of me. But I'm sick and tired of this pity party. It's got to end. This merry go 'round of emotion must come to a halt. And I'm the only one operating this ride. So, I have the power to make it end. 

That said- Here's my goodbye letter.


To whom it may concern,

I'm better than this. I'm no longer weak. In fact, I welcome vulnerability. Because it means I still care. And what do we have- if we don't care. I've spent long enough pondering the "what if's" and "why's". I'm over playing a victim. Because I am not a victim. I am victorious. Because I have survived. Yes, something undesirable happened. So, what? There will be many times in my life where I'm challenged. But never forget what those obstacles teach us. I met a good guy. And I've been pegging him as the bad guy for way too long. He was a decent person, who taught me that it's possible to love. He gave me a brief insight to feeling for someone else. And although he may not have reciprocated those feelings towards me, he taught me an important lesson. Through the experience of meeting him, I realized what it's like to not have control over a situation. To guide with my heart, instead of my mind- for once. He taught me that friendship doesn't mean forever. That life can sometimes get complicated. And that it's okay to let go. I'm confident that he has- long ago. So, now..it's my turn. To let go. From the bottom of my heart, I wish him the absolute best. I pray that he will meet someone half as awesome as he is. And I pray that they will deeply love each other..and that it will work out for them. I hope that his dreams come true. I hope that one day, he can forgive me...for being an overemotional girl. A long time ago..I made peace with him. And I truly feel as though from that point on, he hasn't been the issue. Just the emotions that came with the experience. It was just remembering the way I felt. Not so much wanting him back. 

Today I let go all of the emotions of that long forgotten friendship. I release my self of the pondering. I free myself of blaming him for any issues in my life. I retire my title of "victim". No longer will I waste another second, minute, or day thinking of old times. It's over. Life is still moving. And it's time to get on a track that's going somewhere..instead of this dead end. It's so hard to explain..but this huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. And I finally feel confident saying..."goodbye". 

There, I finally told you.

Kelsie