Dining for one

Today I listened to my inner McAlister's fan. After an early morning test, I decided it was time to grub. So, to celebrate- I took a trip down the road to McAlister's. It's my all-time favorite place to eat here in Indy. If you haven't been-- you HAVE to go! Friends were busy, so I decided to dine in by myself. 

Now, I don't know how many of you have eaten at a restaurant alone, but I felt a little uneasy at first. Once I arrived, though, the relaxing atmosphere made me feel welcome. Yeah, I was at the right place.

After I ordered I thought... "what to do?.." The answer- PEOPLE WATCH! It's such a FUN hobby. I just love watching them, trying to figure out their lives, witnessing their honest moments. It's peaceful. And today, it was inspirational.

I took a plop outside. The temperature was perfect. Flowers were fragrant in the air. And-- there were even little birds perched on the fence. I sat there. At first- a little frazzled. My mind racing, thinking of everything on my "to-do" list. Wondering how it was even humanly possible to get it done. Pondering my life- obligations- and piled high assignments. 

As I was busy worrying, I heard some belly laughter from a nearby table. It was five elderly women. Silver hair. Great fashion sense. Dainty make-up. And my inner stalker/eavesdropper came to surface.

They were catching up. Talking about life, old memories, hot men, and there were even a few sexual comments. I LOVED it. They were hilarious. 

Their raw, genuine happiness sparked some self-reflection on my part. I thought about my life. I imagined me, 40 years from now- at that table- reminiscing with my girls. Where will we all be? What will we have gone through by then?

I thought about getting older and how I will handle it. I thought about time and how fast it truly flies. I thought about my family & friends and  how much I love and miss them. Most of all- I thought about these last years in college. I only have two more. Why is it that I complain so often, when I'm blessed with so much. 

People can tell us a million times to cherish every second of your life- but we won't. No, not until something opens our eyes. Something as simple as witnessing a conversation between old friends. 

These last two years are the time to make those "belly laugh" worthy memories. This is the time to appreciate being in school. It's a time to value the friends who surround you. Because- chances are.. after graduation- everyone is going to be busy building their own lives. Raising their own children. Going their own direction. And it won't be until all of that settles down- before you come back together, and meet for lunch- where you'll recall all those times you spent together. When you'll be brought back to a place you once couldn't wait to leave. And that place will hold the biggest smiles in your heart.

Those beautiful ladies were amusing. They were also a reminder. 50 years from now really is going to feel like yesterday..only it won't be. I don't know about you- but I hope I'm at that table, wrinkles and all, still laughing. Still the same quirky, wild, edgy me. Surrounded by pals who bring out the best in me. I can only pray that one day- I'll be sitting right were they were. Remembering the past and making new memories as I do it. 


                                                 

10 reasons it's going to be okay

Rough day? Tough week? I totally get it. Been there. BUT! My sad little friend, I'm here to put the pep back in your step. I'm going to put the Alfredo sauce back on your noodles! Oh, wow.. okay..that came out wrong- but you catch the drift.

Feel lousy NO MORE! (and I hope you're smiling by this point..no, not even a little one? ahh- there we go) Okay, so now that we're all smiling, here are 10 reasons why everything is going to be okay.

Uno. 

Tu eres muy bonita! (insert needed accent marks). Just kidding, I'm not here to speak a foreign language or convince you that life is all goo goo's and gaga's- even though that first statement is true. (you know- the one about you being beautiful.)  I just want you to know that you're enough. And whatever problem/situation/drama that's infecting your mood right now..well, it's probably meant to be.

Two. 

What is bothering you? I'm not asking a rhetorical question. I want you to say it. Right now. Just talk to your computer. I want you to cry. Stop being so strong for everyone. Let. It. Out. Sometimes  tears pave the way to the next chapter. They allow you to rid of emotion and hurt and stress. Open  the dam. (in this case..your tear ducts) Let out the water. Then, when it's all gone..shut the door. And start fresh.

Three.

Allie and Noah found each other after 7 years a part. Trust me, you'll find your way. (don't grow a beard along the way, though. Pretty sure Ryan Gossling is the only man who I'm still attracted to with a beard.)

Four. 

Those people you're trying to impress? They're weird, too. They're just too busy blending in and not brave enough to stand out. So, take a stance. Stand out! Even if they're hating on you for it. PS) As  my wise cousin, Katie Latimer, says.."Haters gonna hate. Potatoes gonna Po Tate."

Five: 

You'll come out of this mess a winner. I mean, Chris Brown made a comeback.

Six:   

You don't owe anything to anyone. Feel how you want to feel. Be justified in knowing that you know what's best for you. I don't mean to sound like a hallmark card, but being confident in who you  are- what you want- and where you are going is soo hard.. but I know, in my heart that one day you'll get there. I already believe it. Why don't you?

Seven:

You don't have chlamydia.. or do you? Just teasing. See, humor is literally a funny thing. Stop being so serious. And just laugh/joke about the situation- or just in general. It'll make you feel  better.

Eight:

People who are confused will fall into old habits. Break promises. Seeking validation from others and acceptance, not caring who gets hurt along the way. And maybe that's the reason why you're reading this. Or maybe it's not. Say how you feel. Apologize. Or live with it, free of outside input. Whatever the case- whoever you are- it's never too late. But I think you already know that.

Nine:

When no one understands you, music will.

Ten:

Oprah Winfrey says that  true forgiveness is saying, "thank you for that experience." How beautiful is that? And it applies to so much more than forgiveness. So, when it's over- say thank you. Be grateful. And know that you- being different than everyone else- is a blessing to the entire world. EMBRACE IT!

Keep dancing. Sizzle & spice make for excellent times!

What if I told you?

The healing process. Why does it seem never ending? Why is it that half a year can go by..without a thought of "that one guy who I totally liked". Then, one day- all these emotions just knock on my door, without warning. Without welcome. And it's on my mind. It's annoying and painful. 

It's been a little over a year. I should've forgotten him by now, right? Believe me when I tell you that every single atom of my body wants to move on and forget him. Every ounce of my soul yearns for an undamaged heart. So to answer that question--Oh, boy.. do I wish it were that easy.

I'm no expert. But I think the reason I get these "knocks" on my door...is because I never really let the emotions out in the first place. I've held onto them..deep inside, fearing vulnerability. Burying the experience and ignoring it. But repression is a temporary solution. So, today..I share with you my vulnerability. I'm getting the shovel and digging back up the unfinished business that lives in my heart. With hopes of truly healing, with a lifetime free of those awful reminders.

See, the truth is- and it's almost sickening to admit- that I miss the feelings I had when I was with him. I miss his care free spirit and ability to make me laugh. Like really genuinely..obnoxiously..belly laugh. I miss how a conversation about nothing could turn into the best moments, ever. I miss the feeling of butterflies- that only he could give me. That giddiness..that happiness...that wholeness... I miss his smile and bickering back and forth. I miss the nicknames and pure fun times. I miss saying the most embarrassing things, because I was so darn nervous. I miss looking up music video's and telling him stories. I miss having such a special connection with someone.I miss having him in my life. I just miss my friend. And trust me, I feel like a complete idiot saying all of this. I feel like I'm making a fool of myself. Because why- WHY- has it been so difficult for me...to say goodbye.. 

I'm afraid that I'll never have an experience like that again. So, I hold on to every memory.. so I'll never forget what it's like. So I remember that there's hope. That it exists. To meet someone who drives you crazy..but against all odds- you manage to love them anyway. Just for who they are. I loved him as a person. I was never in love with him. And that's the hard part. Recognizing that now..after I've already lost him. 

There's a song by Jason Walker..titled, What if I told you. I agonize over that question. Lose sleep over it. What if I'd just told him how I felt, before it was too late. When he asked me what was wrong..what if I had told him the truth, instead of lying? Not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. Pathetic, right? 

But there's also a part of me that is so very angry. That's so disgusted with myself- for even wanting to put myself in that position again. He hurt me. So bad. And because of that experience, I have a terribly tough time with letting people get close to me. In fact, I'm a master at ignoring guys. To protect my heart- I stay numb. To the entire "guy" situation. It scares the hell out of me. But I'm sick and tired of this pity party. It's got to end. This merry go 'round of emotion must come to a halt. And I'm the only one operating this ride. So, I have the power to make it end. 

That said- Here's my goodbye letter.


To whom it may concern,

I'm better than this. I'm no longer weak. In fact, I welcome vulnerability. Because it means I still care. And what do we have- if we don't care. I've spent long enough pondering the "what if's" and "why's". I'm over playing a victim. Because I am not a victim. I am victorious. Because I have survived. Yes, something undesirable happened. So, what? There will be many times in my life where I'm challenged. But never forget what those obstacles teach us. I met a good guy. And I've been pegging him as the bad guy for way too long. He was a decent person, who taught me that it's possible to love. He gave me a brief insight to feeling for someone else. And although he may not have reciprocated those feelings towards me, he taught me an important lesson. Through the experience of meeting him, I realized what it's like to not have control over a situation. To guide with my heart, instead of my mind- for once. He taught me that friendship doesn't mean forever. That life can sometimes get complicated. And that it's okay to let go. I'm confident that he has- long ago. So, now..it's my turn. To let go. From the bottom of my heart, I wish him the absolute best. I pray that he will meet someone half as awesome as he is. And I pray that they will deeply love each other..and that it will work out for them. I hope that his dreams come true. I hope that one day, he can forgive me...for being an overemotional girl. A long time ago..I made peace with him. And I truly feel as though from that point on, he hasn't been the issue. Just the emotions that came with the experience. It was just remembering the way I felt. Not so much wanting him back. 

Today I let go all of the emotions of that long forgotten friendship. I release my self of the pondering. I free myself of blaming him for any issues in my life. I retire my title of "victim". No longer will I waste another second, minute, or day thinking of old times. It's over. Life is still moving. And it's time to get on a track that's going somewhere..instead of this dead end. It's so hard to explain..but this huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. And I finally feel confident saying..."goodbye". 

There, I finally told you.

Kelsie

19 years ago today.

19 years ago today, my baby sister was born. 

In technical terms, Katie is my cousin. Her father is my mother's brother. (Try saying that ten times fast) She was welcomed by three older brothers, and it was my first encounter with another "girl" in the family. I was only a one year old when she came into this great life..so I don't remember much surrounding her initial arrival. What I do remember is my childhood, with her, at our grandma Sandy's. 

I remember wearing our grandma's high heals and lip stick at age 3. I remember fighting on the first step of the stairs, for hours. I remember walking to the Hanna store..and while Kate was fearless on that 2 mile journey, I (the paranoid one) carried a nail file in my back pocket, "just in case". I remember grandma putting hot rollers in our hair. And during the wait until the reveal, Katie did my makeup, and I did hers. And oh boy, did we feel like movie stars. I remember sneaking down those creaking stairs, trying not to make a sound, and crawling to the computer chair, where our grandpa was playing spider solitaire. We would release that lever on the bottom of the chair, and he would jolt down, startled. (how mean was this?!) He wasn't too happy, but he still loved us..even if we were ornery. I remember putting ribbons and bows in his silver hair and laughing really hard. I remember baking homemade cookies with grandma, and while Kate was always the "cook" I just kind of watched and ate the dough. I remember Dr. Cassel and playing restaurant. I remember Rebecca's and singing contests. I remember practicing corn rows on each other, till our heads hurt..and playing cards at the river. And most of all, I remember having a sister..even though I really didn't have a sister at all. 

Katie gave me memories. Good memories. Memories that bring tears to your eyes, from laughter. And the ones that I've shared are only a few pages in a very large book. 

We understand each other and our crazy family. And I know that through each important event in my life..she will be there. I know that through every adventure and risk, Katie will support me. I know that I know what it's like to have a true and genuine sister, because of her. 

I often wonder, what if. What if my uncle and aunt hadn't been in the right place at the right time? What if they'd never met, and I'd never had Kate. And the answer to those "what if's" is my childhood would have been empty. So, when it comes to Katie's birthday, I'm reminded of how lucky I am..all because she was born. 

Happy Birthday, Katie. And if you're reading, I hope you know how very proud I am of my favorite girl. I love you, sis. 

Wishing my readers a day full of love and happiness. May your hearts stay warm. 

*Power for the soul*

I've been called cliche too many times to count. But I wouldn't have it any other way. So, I've compiled some of my favorite quotes and sayings. The ones that really strike and empower my soul.

From me to you-- here are some simple words that hold a much greater meaning. May you find a personal connection to each one.


"To all the girls that think you're ugly because you're not a size 0, 
you're the beautiful one's. It's society who's ugly."
-Marilyn Monroe

"That's the thing about needs. Sometimes, when you get them met...
you don't need them anymore."
-Carrie Bradshaw

"If you're always trying to be normal you will never know how amazing
you can be."
-Maya Angelou

"Don't become a stranger to yourself by blending in with everyone else."
-Dodinsky

"Don't be so hard on yourself. Please be gentle. Speak to yourself in more loving
and encouraging ways. Your inner dialogue is the most powerful voice you hear.
Turn down the volume of the critic.
-Christine Hassler

"True forgiveness is when you say THANK YOU for that experience."
-Oprah Winfrey

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way to avoid the trap of
thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no
reason not to follow your heart.
-Steve Jobs

"Maybe it's hard to believe what's with my obvious charm and good looks, but
people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time..I believed them.
But after a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you. Just trust who 
you are."
-Shrek

"I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw. I'm scared of what I did,
of who I am..and most of all, I'm scared of walking out of this room and 
never feeling the rest of my life, the way I feel when I'm with you.
-Baby, Dirty Dancing

"Achievement is by dictionary definition a product of struggle."
-Dan Kennedy

"You can't win a marathon without putting some band-aids on your nipples."
-Dave Harken, Horrible Bosses

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be 
happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart,
I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need
love, and then you don't have it? What if you shaped your whole life around it, and 
then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ
damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever."
-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you, he likes you. Never
try to trim your own bangs. And someday, you will meet a wonderful guy and get your
very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told, implores us to wait for it-
the third act twist..the unexpected declaration of love..the exception to the rule..But sometimes
we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell
from the one's who want us and the one's who don't. The one's who will stay from the one's
who will leave. And maybe, a happy ending doesn't include a guy. Maybe..it's you..on your 
own..picking up the pieces and starting over..freeing yourself up for something better in the
future. Maybe the happy ending is just..moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this..
Knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken hearts...through the blunders
and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment..you never gave up..hope."
-Gigi, He's Just Not that into You.

"But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely, because almost everyone
has that smallest bit of faith and hope..that one day, they would open their eyes
and it would all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up
when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale is slightly
different than your dream. The castle, well it may not be a castle. And it's not so important
that it's happy ever after--just that it's happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue
moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while, people may even take your breath away."
-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

"Some people pass through our lives for a reason. To teach us lessons that could never be
learned if they stayed."
-Mandy Hale

"Let someone love you just as you are. As flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you
might feel, as unaccomplished as you might think you are; let someone love you just as you are.
..And let that someone be- you.."
-Sandra Kring

"You are the answer. Brilliance, Beauty, Worth, Humor, Weirdness, Potential, Creativity..
Right there inside you are the ingredients for greatness. Don't burn the recipe."
-Kelsie Long

Walking contradiction !@#$%^&*

The thing about life is I'll never be sure about it. And maybe that's the beauty. Not completely understanding. But living anyway. 

There will always be moments, days, weeks, where I feel like I've failed. One day, I'll have this really great day. And the next day? Well, it may not be that great. Sometimes I change my mind, my feelings, my views. It's a roller coaster personality. But conflict within is imperfect. It's what makes us weird and unpredictable. And I love that. 

If everyone was sure about everything...life wouldn't be so spicy. And sometimes we all need that little kick, because it makes every second worth it. 

Open a Webster's dictionary. You won't find my name. You won't find yours either. We can't be defined. Because we are growing each and every day. With every challenge, tragedy, loss, and happy ending...we grow into this better version of ourselves. Always improving. Always changing. But never giving up. Never quite certain of what is to come. 

I've come to the conclusion that I just don't make sense. I've spent so much time trying to figure out who I really am. Having this belief that you have to know who you are. Preaching that in order to be whole you must love yourself. You must be secure with the person you are. What I've realized, though, is that this isn't true. 

The real truth is that insecurity is part of being a human being. And if all of us were secure in every aspect of our lives, this society would be perfect. Lindsay Lohan would never have tried drugs. Beyonce would never have made a movie, confessing to the world that even she doesn't feel confident sometimes. Politicians wouldn't have to pick each other a part for a vote. There would be more plus size models. And you wouldn't be reading this right now.

If each of us truly embraced who we are and loved our flaws...then we wouldn't wear makeup. We wouldn't flip on the TV only to see commercial after commercial marketing self-improvement products. Like the newest anti-aging cream. Or the magical mascara that will lengthen lashes. That will make you more beautiful than you already are.

The truth is, we are all a work in progress. Life is a work in progress. And we are all a little insecure. And what I've come to realize--is... that's okay.

In this great life, (and I do mean great), we are walking contradictions. Just remember- it's a human quality. And it's beautiful- just..like...YOU! 

Conversation, Google, and Grandpa.

Creativity gives me a way to contribute a little bit of my weirdness to the world. And I don't know what it is about a good old fashion "do it yourself" kind of project- but I LOVE taking something ordinary and making it quirky.

Bringing some much needed life back into used and forgotten items reminds me that nothing is a lost cause. It reminds me that there is an unconditional hope for anything and anyone. No matter how beaten up..or ugly..or unconventional..with some TLC and a smile it's totally possible. 

While scrolling through Google images, looking at ideas for decorating, I stumbled upon this super awesome end table made from recycled books. It was brilliant. And I thought, I have to try to do this! Not knowing the amount of brain power this new adventure was going to take.

After a hefty workout, my cousin Katie and I took a trip to our local Goodwill. Just so happens books were on sale for some ridiculously cheap amount. Score! We tried to grab for inspiring titles like, "Color your Future..Fearless and Flawless...City of Dreams..." I was going for an inspirational piece. 

I'm sure I looked completely crazy as I was creating this end table from this vision I had in my head. Right there, on the Goodwill floor...this thing was really starting to come to life! Woo-hoo! So, I ended up with about 20 books and a serious arm workout. 

Once I got the books home I realized this would be harder than I thought. I left them on the front porch for a solid week- pondering how in the heck I was going to pull this off. Then, I called the man who knows everything- my grandpa. He accepted the challenge without any questions. My dad lined up the parts needed. All I had to do was put them in my car and head over to grandpa's. 

My brother helped, too. He was designated driller. Grandpa was the brains behind the operation. And me, well, I guess I was just the one with the picture in my head. We worked for around 2 hours total. Drilling and gluing and cutting. It was the best 2 hours, ever! Bonding with my grandpa and brother. Working as a team. Laughing and cracking jokes. Figuring out the complicated end table together. Well, it was a memory that I'll always treasure. 

This "do it yourself" project turned into a "do it together" one...and I wouldn't have had it any other way. That book end table, that no one really understood at first, took on a new life. And gave me some unforgettable moments in return. And you can bet your bottom.. this conversation piece will stay in the family for awhile. 

Quality time. So simple. Yet, sometimes, so neglected. Getting caught up in our own schedules and not making time for those who are most important- well, it happens more often than it should. And I'm a repeat offender. But from now on, I'm going to try my VERY BEST to make time for my favorites. Because they are the ones who put the happiness in my heart and the genuine smiles on my face. 

So, thank you Google images...for reminding me that in this great life, the only thing guaranteed is time. So instead of watching it pass, let's make it count.

Wishing you a day as beautiful as you are!

 Completed Vision.