In my mother's eyes

In my mother's eyes I see hope. I see a genuine heart, who would do anything for anyone regardless of the circumstance. I see a woman who raised me with a tender hand and loving arms. I see undeniable beauty- not just superficial but deep inside her soul. Her spirit is unreal. I guess you just have to meet her to understand.

Unknowingly she guides and heals those around her. She's able to build such a connection with people- they swear they've known her forever. I don't know if it's her gentle smile or her attentiveness to everyone else's needs, but my mother is unlike anyone else in this world.

She's been an R.N. for around 25 years, working with Alzheimer's patients. And even though they have a tough time remembering, they remember my mom. Because she goes above and beyond mandated duties. She just loves them. That's all. But it makes such a difference in their fragile lives.

I look at her these days and think, "how could one person be so very remarkable and not even know it?" I think, "I am the luckiest girl in the world."

Though I'm sure I put a few of those gray hairs on her head, my mom has been my biggest fan. The best thing she's ever done for me is simple. She just loves me.

Mom, if you’re reading I just want to convey my deepest thanks. From the bottom of my heart. You always have the right words, no matter the situation. Thank you for those words.  I hope one day you’ll realize just how important you are in this great life. 

To my readers: 


May you feel inspired. May you live each day with a heart full of warmth and love. May you look in the mirror and smile at the person inside. And may you be blessed to have a mother like mine.

I found a note

I decided to get organized. So, I put on my hard hat and got to work. While rummaging through old papers and doing the annual purge, I found a note I'd written around the time I began this blog. This is what it said.

"There is a certain freedom in embracing the person inside. Not caring what whoever thinks. Not caring what whoever says. I spent so much time caring, yearning for acceptance. I wanted that special guy to come 'save me'. Well… I've played damsel in distress for way too long. Time to put on my big girl panties and love myself, free of outside input. There was this guy… okay, not just a guy. He was a really good friend. The only guy friend I've ever had, and frankly the only guy that’s ever made an effort to get to know me. We clicked. Had a lot of laughs, smiled till our cheeks hurt, and just had fun. The thing is I ruined our friendship. I ruined it because I started feeling these stupid feelings. I started getting butterflies, blushing, and being 'that girl'. You know- the one that brings a little vomit to your mouth, because watching her throwing herself @ said man disgusts you… yeah, her. I sacrificed a friendship because I’m human. BUT it served as a major learning experience. And I finally feel the beauty of moving on. I allowed him to control my mood and my emotions. WHO DOES THAT? Well, me. A girl who really genuinely cared. I sought advice from close friends. I shed many tears. I even was crazy enough to think he’d come back. Beg me to take him. Tell me he actually liked me more than just his friend. It didn't happen. And I wasted so many opportunities, so many experiences, waiting on a man who never wanted me. Wanting a man who never thought twice about me. Giving him control, again. There were repercussions, too. Emotionally- I didn't want to open up to anyone. Pushed people away. Avoided connection. 

The beauty of moving on—the wisdom follows you. Becomes a part of you. And the pain dulls and fades. Your heart miraculously repairs. It puts some Neosporin and Band-Aids on those wounds and screams “USE ME AGAIN!” So, here I am. 19 years old. Alone. And loving it. Here’s to living my life for ME. Here’s to loving myself FOREVER. HERE’S TO STARTING FRESH!"

After reading I felt a sense of pride. See, when we go through our highs and lows of life we sometimes forget that the wisdom we seek is right there-- inside of us. 

I hope you feel your own wisdom. May it be in the form of a note, a self-pep talk, or simply listening closely to your heart. Because whether you know it or not- things will get better. Know how I know? Easy. You're a beautiful person. And you will find your way.

I love you,

Kelsie. 

Smile from a stranger.

My mom went into Papa John's to pick up some pizza we ordered for New Year's. She was only going to be a minute, so I waited in the car. 

And as bitter as it sounds, I was having one of those days where I resented anyone who was happy. I just wasn't feeling that great about my life. I felt like I'd hit a dead end or something. Nothing necessarily bad had happened...but nothing good, either. Sometimes when that cycle of  "sameness" hits you- it seems like you're a negativity magnet.

There I was- in a feeling sorry for myself, thinking deeply about life, and worrying about stuff, kind of mood.

Basically, sulking for no reason. 

And there she was- this perfectly perky stranger, leaving Papa John's, balancing a pizza on her left hand. As she elegantly walked out the doors I remember thinking, "Wow, she's gorgeous. Hate her. Bet she has plans tonight..or some hot date. Bet her life is perfect." 

So...I stare at her, with jealousy, like this.

I expect her to equally glare back at me. But instead, she stares back like this.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that her smile was so genuine I caught myself smiling right back- without even thinking. Almost like a happy reflex. 

Talk about a moment where I felt like a complete a-hole for judging someone I didn't even know. Pegging her to be this person in my head, who was so much cooler than I was. Glaring at this stranger with distaste. Trying to convince her that I was better than her or something with one hateful glance. When, in fact, I was the jealous one. All because I was having an awful day. 

It's been almost 6 months since that smile from a stranger. But I'm continually grateful for her positivity. Because it really lit up my dark day. 

Who would've thought? One smile could change a person. 

To this day, when I'm walking down the street or through a store, and I come across a sour face (like mine earlier this year), I give that person the most genuine, caring smile I can muster. Because even though it's such a small gesture- it can really leave a lasting impact. And in some small way, I need to return the favor I was given on a rainy day. 

In this great life, sometimes it's the people who know nothing about you- that have the ability clear up your once foggy view of the world. Be that stranger to someone. Trust me, they will be forever touched.

Little mud to heal the soul: *one DIRTY adventure!*

It's been awhile, huh? I just haven't been in the writing mood lately. Maybe it's the catching up with old pals. Maybe it's the endless coffee and lunch dates (that I LOVE!). Or, maybe it's because for the first time in a long time, I've been busy adventuring! Can I get a woo-hoo for happiness? 

Recently, two of my very good friends and I ventured to Noblesville to participate in the Dirty Girl 5K mud run. I first read about the muddy fun in a Cosmo magazine my roommate bought. My first thought was, ahhh-there's NO WAY I can complete an obstacle course in the mud. But my inner runner said, "Go for it!" And that's what I did. 

Megan and Lynndsey (the daring dirty girls that weren't afraid of a little mud) ran with me. The best part was the totally non-competitive nature of the event. No timer. No pressure. Just strong women. Many survivors of breast cancer. Go survivors!!

When we arrived, I was a little apprehensive. The first obstacle I saw was this humongous pink slide with a mud pit at the end. My eyes bugged a little and I thought, "I've got to climb that?" But climb it we did, along with many other mudders.

BONUS: at every obstacle there were these holy-moley, hunkah-hunka, cutie pahh-tootie, tan and handsome men!! They facilitated participants through the obstacles. And man-OH-man...I was never so happy to be a participant. (wink) Just a side note, as I was covered in mud and looking a little--eh--crusty? I slipped down a hill and landed in the river. BUT, no worries. I fell into the arms of a God like creature, and he smiled at me! Heart=melted. Needless to say, this mud run is the MOST FUN I've ever had in my ENTIRE LIFE! 

As you know, I've been working on body peace. You know, loving me...all of me...forever. And it was at this crazy adventure where I honestly, truly, fully made peace with myself. I saw women. All shapes and sizes. Fearless. Celebrating their bodies. No judging.

I was surrounded by these inspirational people-who, despite the challenge, welcomed the impossible. And that, my friends, is revolutionary.

As we reached the end of the course we dove into our last mud pit.. swimming away the hatred for the bodies that got us there...rolling away the shame for our insecurities...embracing the very thing we've spent years degrading...making peace with the women we have become. Best moment of my existence. 

After that last pit, we entered the shower room. (basically, a big room with hoses) I saw women- stretch marks and all, bearing their skin...washing off the mud. Smiling with accomplishment. Exposing their vulnerability for all to see. With no shame. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 

And for the first time EVER, I took my shirt off in public. Only a sports bra. Hosing my body down. Washing away the shame and embarrassment I've held onto for so long. Freedom. Finally. 

The room was getting packed, hoses were in demand, and we decided to walk out to the car to change. So I walked, to the car, exposed. My belly showing. My biggest insecurity- out there- for husbands, and children, and fellow mud runners to see. Something I wouldn't have been caught dead doing 24 hours ago. 

But I would never take that moment back. 

That mud run changed my life. And I'm SO HAPPY I decided to go out of my comfort zone. Because I'm a better person for it. 

This great life will throw journey's your way, without notice. And it'll be up to you to rise to the challenges presented. My advice, beautiful person reading this, is to take every single one of them. There's no doubt in my mind that through those journeys, you too will find peace. 

Snapshots from an unforgettable journey:

First obstacle I saw! eek. (so, fun.)

Finish. 

Amen to BODY PEACE!

Mapping LOVE.

Sometimes, I wonder if I've already met my soul mate. Maybe it was a brief encounter. Maybe he was across the room from me at a restaurant.  Maybe we passed each other in the city. Maybe he's exploring his life right now, just like I am. And maybe one day, I'll finally meet him. When it's right.

But there's also this fear- that it won't ever happen for me. I've come to accept that, though. Because I made a promise to myself a long time ago, that I will wait for true love...even if time seems to be running out. Some call it having too high of expectations. I like to think of it as realizing what you truly want and waiting for it.

Despite the disappointments, I will never give up hope that my true love is out there. He's out there. It's just a matter of where. Trust me, if I could pull out a map and find him right now, I'd go any distance. But that's not how this works. Patience really is a virtue, huh?

Until then, let's be patient together. Let's promise to fill our lives with happiness and embrace single-hood while we wait.  Let's feel whole without anyone else in the picture. But let's be ready when they finally enter it.

Here's to us. The movie moment wanting, fairy tale believing, lyric understanding, been there done that's, figuring it all out's, and waiting for the one- type of people.

In this great life, I hope you get what you're waiting for.

Reasons why you're the BEST! *smile*

The thing I LOVE most about blogging is my readers. If you've been reading along since the beginning, wow! I'm amazed. Flattered. Smiling so BIG right now. Thank you, really.

My blog is very personal. It's me- opening up my life experiences to you. I've felt alone through a lot of situations I've encountered. And if you have been able to relate to any of my posts, I sincerely hope it's made you realize you're not alone.

Sometimes it's crazy to think that people actually read what I write. I didn't start this blog with intentions of having a connection with readers. In fact, I didn't think I'd have any readers. It started as a way to fix my commitment issues. Kind of like an online diary. But it turned into so much more. Through writing and sharing, I've healed many painful wounds of my past. It's been a true blessing.

My advice to you, my dear friend, is to never be afraid to begin something new. I can't even begin to express how terrified I was when I first started writing. But through this new experience, I've been able to explore and grow and most importantly, patch up my broken heart. So, if you're thinking about trying out a new avenue of life- DO IT!

You're completely capable. You're the best. You're the best because you've made it through this journey with me. You've got such a bright spirit. Such a bright smile. (seriously. what kind of whitener do you use on those things?) Dang it, you're just plain awesome! I hope your heart is feeling as warm and fuzzy as mine right now. Because I've connected with you. Something I never planned on doing. But hey, sometimes the BEST experiences are made without a plan.

This great life won't always be a piece of chocolate cake. In fact, it can be confusing and plain rotten at times. It's up to us to pick ourselves off of the ground and go after our true passions..all while welcoming the fear, and then...conquering it. So, thank you- for helping me do that.

Keep being inspirational, you beautiful human beings filled with awesomeness!

Good Enough.

Confidence has been a life long battle for me. It's this deep rooted hatred for my body. It's a disgust for every inch of my skin. It's picking on myself. My flaws consume my thoughts. And I just feel gross.

In elementary school I was the brunt of the "fat" jokes. Whether it was at school or on the bus, I couldn't escape it. To this day, the comments haunt me.

In middle school, a boy followed me down the stairs and out to the bus, taunting loudly, "fat. fat. fat. fat" in front of everyone.

Those kids pointed out my flaws as if I didn't already see them. They called me names as if I didn't already call myself worse.

When I go to the place that I've been suppressing for all these years...it's painful. Revealing this is painful.

Picture a sweet, innocent elementary aged little girl sitting across the aisle from her crush. Filled with butterflies, she hopes he will talk to her. His best friend, whose sitting with him, asks her to stick her hands out in the aisle. She's confused but does as he asks. He proceeds to point at her tiny hands and laughs... "See, I told you she has sausage fingers."

Her crush begins to laugh. She's humiliated. But she has to sit there...right next to them...as they take turns saying awful things about her body. And when she gets off the bus...and as she's walking to her front door...she wonders if life would be better if she wasn't a part of it anymore.

I can hear those words... as if it was yesterday. Because that beautiful little girl was me.

I haven't shared that moment with anyone. Because I don't like to revisit those old memories. But I think it's necessary, in the healing process, to deal with old demons and put them behind you.

Sometimes I still struggle with accepting myself,  but I'm working on it. It's a process, and I know that one day I'll get there.

Present day me finally feels GOOD ENOUGH. Everyday I come a little bit closer to fully loving my appearance.

I wanted to share this life event with you, because I want you to know that everyone has a weakness. This is mine.

I used to be a bit damaged. But I think I'm coming pretty close to a restored version of myself.

I've learned through this experience that flaws are gorgeous. It's those flaws that separate us from being ordinary. It's those flaws that our future lover will fall completely in love with.

Do me a favor? LOVE YOUR BODY. Just the way it is... because I love you.

Be who you are. Love who you are. Live who you are.

EMBRACE the YOU right NOW. Don't change. Grow. Don't search. Create.

In this great life, YOU are what is great.

Hey, we're in this together. So, what are we waiting for? Let's ROCK IT!