New Territory.

Have you ever felt like you were a bit lost? I'm not talking turned around in a "physical" sense. Just kind of unsure of..well, everything?

I don't know if it's just something people go through in their 20's, but lately I've been feeling like the places I am headed aren't marked on my mental map. That's scary. Plans. Future. Figuring everything out. Those are the things I am good at. Being lost. Well, it's new to me. And I kind of like it. 

Sometimes I get too caught up in the big plans, and I forget to appreciate the little moments. Moments that aren't particularly significant but absolutely beautiful. 

I recently started working at a department store. As I was organizing some products, I overheard a mother and daughter laughing, talking, and reminiscing. I just caught a slight glimpse of their genuine happiness. But the love they shared was evident. They had this bond. A bond that I recognized. A bond that I have with my own mother.

And in that small, insignificant moment--I found myself smiling. Because it's those tiny honest moments that remind us of the importance of a good laugh. Bring some light back to our eyes. And make our hearts skip a beat.

In that moment, I missed my mom. So very much. But I was so inspired by that special love. It reminded me of all the good in this world. 

Sometimes kindness is everywhere we're not looking. I am slowly learning to take in the whole scenery, instead of just bits and pieces. This new territory has introduced me to a world of irreplaceable opportunities. Opportunities to witness and share happiness with complete strangers. 

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this. To be honest, I didn't even plan to blog today. That's the thing about me lately. I don't know where I'm going. But I can't wait to see where I land. 

Until then, I'm going to continue to discover the ordinary miracles in this great life. One little moment at a time. 

The vault of shame

I know I've written about this issue before, but it's because I'm so passionate about women's rights. The sexual objectification in media has got to stop. It's promoting disrespect, humiliation, and inferiority regarding women. It's NOT okay. As consumers, we sit back and wonder how we can change the perception. How can I possibly make a difference? And that's when silence sets in. BUT silence never solved any problems. 

I'm so saddened by the acceptance, of this unfair depiction, among my generation. I can't tell you how many girls I personally know, who are obvious "booty calls". I can't tell you how many of them think it's okay for a guy to treat them like utter shit. I can't begin to describe the change that is very real and very scary-- in our society. Shifting from insinuation, to bluntly stating....sex sells. Yet, it's never the males who are sexually exploited. It's never the males who are undressed in music video's. No, they are of power. Wait...aren't we, too? 

Let our voices be heard. Don't sit back and watch the world unravel, thinking someone else will save it. YOU save it. YOU speak up. YOU speak out. YOU stand up for yourself and future generations. Because if women accept being disrespected in media and in real life-- it's only going to get worse. 

How do we stop it? We stop buying the products. We stop watching the music video's. We stop our friends' when they make degrading comments. We educate people. We SPREAD the message. 

E-mail these companies. Tell them why you're not buying anymore. And stick to that promise. Women, I am sick and tired of waiting around. I am sick and tired of waiting for change. I am sick and tired of seeing breasts and skin exposed on the television and in movies. I am sick and tired of being looked at for the body under my clothes, instead of the brain in my head. I am disgusted by the conversations I over hear, men objectifying women-- and women laughing along. It's never going to be okay. 

Below is an example of educating a company on their unfair depictions. Join me in this movement. Don't be invisible. Be heard.  

In response to Herbal Essences, "hairgasm" campaign:

I am writing to inform this company that I will no longer buy, or promote, any products. The current ad campaign proves to be significantly degrading to women and inappropriate in general. It saddens me to see such compliance with the existing advertising schemes. Sex sells. As a consumer, I understand this motto. However, this technique does not work. Shampoo is shampoo. People will buy your product because it is efficient, not because of Nicole Scherzinger sexually exploiting the female gender through advertisement. I recommend creativity. "Hairgasm" is not creative. "Hairgasm" is simply adding fuel to the fire regarding oppression of the female gender. It is companies, as this one, that make the fight for equality terribly difficult. The commercials are widely inappropriate, not representative of the actual effects of the product, and quite humiliating to females everywhere. The next time this company has a round table for advertising ideas, I simply suggest that a little more artistic creativity be part of the process. Sex is everywhere. It does not make this company stand out. What it does-- is degrade females. I am an educated woman, and I do not appreciate being depicted as an air headed, bimbo, who sexually groans while washing my hair. The image of women that this company is promoting makes me sick. It is disgusting. It is unrepresentative of consumers. It is sad. I will spread this message to everyone I come in contact with, males included. I will write this message on my blog, on other blogs, on the internet, and personally-- to companies as this one. By using this common technique, a multitude of customers has been lost. I will continue to spread the word, to spread knowledge, and to educate companies--like this one-- on the unfair depiction in advertising methods. With all due respect, the current commercials are of utmost insult. I encourage this company to take them off of the air and into the vault of shame. After those steps have been taken, I would encourage some brain storming. FRESH ideas. Not USED ones.

Hey, Tom!

You get invited to dinner. It's supposed to be a girls night. Only all of your girls have boys. By boys, I mean boyfriends. So, it turns into.. "Hey-- I'd love to see you, would you mind being the third wheel?"

Of course, it's never bluntly said like this. Sometimes it's even a surprise. "Oh, hey! Thought it was just you and I... uhh, hey Tom?" *look at friend with 'oh no you didn't' face*

One way or another, you find yourself at this dinner. And everyone is coupled up. And laughing. And happy. And you're completely thrilled that they've found that special someone...but this whole night just turned into a reminder of how single and alone you really are..and it's quite devastating, right?

Dinner is over, and after some great conversation (and a little self-reflection), you hug your besties goodnight. Say bye to the boyfriends with a wave. And drive yourself home. While they all hold hands, basically skipping to the car. 

Then, when the happily ever after part of your friends' relationships isn't so happy anymore...they call YOU. The single one. And you give them the best advice you can. Advice from your heart. They start to feel a bit better, and the next week they and "the guy" have smoothed things over. Phew. 

Then the dinner invites turn into a wedding invite. And the wedding invite turns into throwing a baby shower. And the baby shower turns into less dinner dates. And less dinner dates turns into minimal time with the girls who were once a huge part of your daily life. But now they've got their own. They're starting a family. And you're still alone. Single. And caught in the treacherous cycle of watching the happily ever after's without being a part of one. 

This...my dear, dear friends...is the type of situation that leads to settling for less than you're worth. It's kind of like, time is running out! I may not find someone else who loves me! Better snatch up this mediocre guy, who doesn't really make me especially happy! Because I'm behind in the process. 

Bad news-- settling is not the recipe to life. Good news-- you can make your own ingredients. 

I feel as if most people are afraid of ending up alone. SO, they will fill their lives with temporary loves, waiting for the "true" one. Dragging their boyfriends to romantic comedies, insinuating the love story they wish they had lived. Hoping they will pick up on the obvious cues. Waiting for them to change. Tolerating being treated like complete shit, because at least they have someone to keep the bed warm at night. This is not the American Dream. This is emptiness. 

People call me crazy. Even tell me to lower my standards. "You don't have a boyfriend?" *gasp* "WHY?" (then, I get the 'what's wrong with you' look..as if there must be something literally wrong with me) 

I then go onto explain how I'm simply waiting for the right guy. The guy who is full of imperfections, but despite everything, he's perfect for me. I tell them that I believe in fairy tales and true love. That I think the idea is almost extinct because people don't have enough patients to let it happen when it's supposed to. I say that if it never happens I will still be okay. Because at least I never gave up hope. 

They look at me like I'm naive. "This doesn't happen in real life." I get that a lot. But I just smile. Because I know it will happen to me. I just believe in love with my whole heart. And I know that I deserve the special kind of love. I know that I am the exception, not the rule-- no matter how many times people tell me otherwise. 

And I am telling you this, because I want you to believe it, too. Believe that you're worth more than mediocre. Believe that while your friends seem happy, they're not...because they're not with the right one. And they're wasting so much time with the temporary boyfriend-- that they're missing out on experiencing life for themselves. Exploring it on their own.

And when the time is right....some spectacular guy will enter your life. And he will make you realize why you never settled. And he will have been worth the wait.

Gay, straight, purple, or blue, believe me when I say YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. There's NOTHING WRONG with you. I LOVE you, with every part of my soul. And I will believe in your fairy tale..I will pray for it...even when you have lost faith. 

In a room full of couples, let's be the example. Hey-- let's be single together. 

The power of a pencil

Why? .... 

At one point or another, I think we've all asked that question. Often times it's left unanswered. And there we are-- stuck. Confused. Hurt. Broken. Rejected. Cheated. There are a million different stories...different circumstances...different moments that lead us to ponder this very simple question. 

• Why did such a beautiful person have to die?
• Why did I allow a boy to control my emotions?
• Why did I dampen my morals to please someone else?
• Why, after I selflessly opened my heart and soul, did he crush my hopes? 
• Why did I waste my time feeding a relationship that starved long ago? 
• Why am I crying?
• Why am I here?
• Why am I lost?

The list goes on and on and forever. But I want to give you a fresh perspective. Because I have an answer.

God has a blueprint of your life, but nothing is set in stone. It's simply a path, and you're the tour guide. Destiny and fate decide the route's. Think of this blueprint as an outline. Basic events, basic people, basic places. You-- well, you're responsible for the "juicy" details.

See, God pencil's in the people, events, and situations that are meant to be uncomfortable, painful, and down right confusing. Why? Well, pencil isn't permanent. He needs you to meet these people. People who will make promises they can't keep. People who swear they'll change, only to repeat the same demeaning behavior. People who will disappoint you. People who have ill intentions. Meet them. Learn from them. Each experience will be a lesson. Once you've learned that lesson-- you gain wisdom. Once you've gained wisdom-- you spread that wisdom.. to prevent that hurt for someone else. And then...like MAGIC....God erases that bullet point from your outline. Check. And you move on to the next opportunity to grow. 

The pencil signifies a challenge that you will be strong enough to overcome. A challenge that God would not put in your life if He didn't think that you handle it. If He didn't think that you would become a better version of you because of it. If He didn't think it would bring you one step closer to the happiness you deserve. 

You know those people who say everything happens for a reason-- well.. I'm one of them. And I believe in the power of a pencil. 

I also believe the blueprint includes some sharpie marker. -- the sharpie represents those permanent things in life that never leave you. Sometimes it's the soul-mate you have yet to meet. Sometimes it's your best friend. Sometimes it's the beauty in a good day. Sharpie worthy moments are special. Hold them close. 

The next time you find yourself asking "why?" think about the power of a pencil. And don't forget about the eraser on the end of it.. reminding you that it won't last forever. 

You are the sharpie in the outline of my life. 

You are loved, 

Kelsie. 

A letter to my younger self

Dear sweet girl,

One day, you're going to make your dreams come true. You'll inspire many people. You'll even inspire yourself. So, for now-- take in all of life while you have the time. 

Don't be so scared of change, it will be kind to you. And don't feel as if you're not good enough-- just because you don't have a boyfriend. When you get older, you'll be SO VERY happy you waited-- trust me. 

But, don't stop believing in true love. Don't lose hope. Just know that you won't find it right now, so spend your worries on something else. And spend lots and lots of time with your best friends. You won't have that endless time when you grow up. Cherish it. Every. Single. Second. 

Don't be in such a hurry to speed up life. It will go faster than you think, and one day you will find yourself wishing that time would have passed a bit slower. Hug your bub tight and your parents, too. Someday soon you won't be able to hold them quite as close. 

Basically, what I want you to know-- is every mistake you make is good. Because you will learn important life lessons through the wounds. And you may even help a few friends along the way. 

I love you. I often miss you. And I'm always thinking of you. I promise that it will all work out. Keep shining. Keep smiling. 

Someone loves you,

me. 

Sex & Society

I have been passively accepting the degradation against my sex. What's one more song, depicting us as sexual objects? What's one more movie, revealing more than our talent? What's one more ad on TV, using sexual groans and explicit content to showcase a product? As a society we come to accept the messages from media. We become numb to the humiliation, oppression, and objectification. We begin to stop singing the anthem, "I am woman hear me roar!" and instead succumb to the notion, "My worth is measured by my vagina." This explains why women stay with men who treat them poorly. This explains why women are competitively obsessing over appearance, instead of embracing their natural beauty. Because without a pretty face and a nice body, what's our purpose in this world?

We live in a modern society, yet our attitudes regarding sex and gender seem to be reverting to decades back. Women! We fought so hard to get where we are today. From protesting the government for the right to vote, to trading in our aprons and high heels for a brief case and an education, we have demanded gender equality. And in 2013 we are still fighting that battle. Why? Because we are letting them get away with it! 

As a young female, I am disgusted by the way I am portrayed in the society I live. See, society is sneaky. It has a way of slipping in messages to its people, without being blunt. Here are some examples. May they open your eyes to the world in which we inhabit. 

1. Commercials

 

Flip on the TV. Sooner or later you are bound to hear an orgasm through the speakers. Yes, an orgasm. Or, as Herbal Essences likes to cleverly refer to it, a "hairgasm". How creative, right? Well, Herbal Essences..these days it's hard to depict one sexual commercial from the next. You're not selling more product, you're simply sending a message to women everywhere. Buy this product and have an orgasm while you wash your hair. And maybe some people look at you funny when you get out of the shower. See how ridiculous that sounds? C'mon, you can do better than that. 

Need shoes? Just Fab evidently has both shoes and sexual moaning to offer. Maybe they'll begin a new advertisement campaign, "shoegasm".  I don't know about you, but I've never gotten that excited over a pair of shoes. It's just sad, really. And I often wonder what motivates these women to participate in these sexually explicit commercials, portraying us as air headed bimbos. They were either really desperate for 30 seconds of fame, or they have come to accept that women are only good for what they put out. I'd like to put my money on the first option, but it's a gamble for sure. 

 2.  Songs

"You look so much cuter with something in your mouth." That's the last line to the main chorus in Nickelback's song Something in your Mouth. I don't know about you, but that's about the most degrading statement out there. Over one million views on youtube. Why? Because people just accept the content. Sing it word for word. Bob their heads to the beat. Not even realizing the message. Women! According to Nickelback, we are a hell of a lot cuter with a penis in our mouths. Absolutely repulsive. 

  3. Movies

The first 20 seconds of the this hilarious movie is actually really unfortunate. Guy uses girl for sex only. Girl wants more. Guy doesn't. Guy is a jerk. Girl thinks it's okay. Girl keeps coming back. 20 seconds sums up most college "relationships". I'm not saying all, just most. And we laugh at this stuff. But why? Because it's funny. Or because we can relate? 

There's now a science to getting men to take you seriously. There's also a science to getting society to take you seriously. Neither science works. Because the answer isn't in the form of a formula. It's leading by example. 

__________________________________________

Know your worth and hold your head high. Stand tall, with your dignity in tact. We are women. We are powerful. We are not and WILL NOT be defined by sex. 

Halloween is coming up. Do us all a favor? Don't join in with the slutty ready made costumes..it only fuels the controversy we've been fighting. Shame on society for degrading us through media. And shame on us for letting them. 

Dancing with my dog

I've got three essays, online homework, studying to do, and note cards to make. But for some reason- time stopped me today. It's like-- it all hit me. Life. Progression. Happy times. Memories. Reflection. It all came at once.

See, I spent my entire high school career waiting for the day it would be over. I wanted to graduate already. I wanted to be an adult. I wanted to be taken seriously and take care of myself. Most importantly, I wanted to go to college, move away, and never look back.

Then, I got to college. And all I wanted to do was survive my freshman year and succeed, to prove I could handle it. Now, I'm in my sophomore year and tirelessly working to complete my psychology degree, so I can "get to grad school already". See a pattern, yet? I do.

The problem is-- I've been spending my whole life living for the future. Accomplishing one thing in order to progress to another. What happens when I've finally climbed to the top of the ladder? What happens when the goal setting and completing is over? When does wishing right now away, just to get to next week... stop? Does any of it even matter, if I have abandoned the "living" part of life?

Recent events have really opened my eyes. I can't be so goal oriented...so academically driven...so ambitious....that I forget to enjoy the journey that brings me to the destination.

It's sad that death has to teach us about life. And how much it matters. And how short it truly is. But the only thing that matters-- is that we finally learn. I finally did.

Currently, my chihuahua is dancing in circles-- trying to get my attention. The note cards can wait...I'm going to dance with my dog.

Sunshine.

My best friend, Courtney, is the brightest ray of sunshine you will ever meet. And this summer, when I had the privilege of meeting her loving family-- I finally got to see where that special spirit comes from. Though I never truly "got to know" them, their warm and welcoming nature could be distinctly felt. 

Courtney is the definition of a true friend. Someone who you can call, bawling your eyes out, and each consoling word that comes out her mouth is healing. 

Courtney is that girl. The one whose smile just makes your heart feel a little bit lighter. The one who asks how your day is going, when she's having a bad one. The one who is patient, when you don't make sense. The one who looks out for you, laughs with you, and always has the right words. 

I've been searching for those right words. And I haven't found them. Because there's nothing I can say. Nothing that will heal her wound. Nothing that will ease her pain. Nothing that will bring back the sweetest little boy, who is her brother. 

If I could I take away every ounce of her pain, I would. I think we all would. But we can't.

So instead, I'm going hug my loved one's a little tighter. I'm going to go through my life with a new outlook. With a new appreciation for everything and everyone. I'm going to try to be a little bit more like Jake. Because from what I've read, and from I've heard, he was one stellar human being. Someone who made quite the difference- to our entire community.

I think the question we are left with-- is where do we find peace. And I think answer is-- from each other. I've never in my life teared up scrolling through my Facebook feed. Not until tonight- when I felt more love and unity than ever.

I've never been more inspired. And I've never been prouder to be a slicer. 

Dining for one

Today I listened to my inner McAlister's fan. After an early morning test, I decided it was time to grub. So, to celebrate- I took a trip down the road to McAlister's. It's my all-time favorite place to eat here in Indy. If you haven't been-- you HAVE to go! Friends were busy, so I decided to dine in by myself. 

Now, I don't know how many of you have eaten at a restaurant alone, but I felt a little uneasy at first. Once I arrived, though, the relaxing atmosphere made me feel welcome. Yeah, I was at the right place.

After I ordered I thought... "what to do?.." The answer- PEOPLE WATCH! It's such a FUN hobby. I just love watching them, trying to figure out their lives, witnessing their honest moments. It's peaceful. And today, it was inspirational.

I took a plop outside. The temperature was perfect. Flowers were fragrant in the air. And-- there were even little birds perched on the fence. I sat there. At first- a little frazzled. My mind racing, thinking of everything on my "to-do" list. Wondering how it was even humanly possible to get it done. Pondering my life- obligations- and piled high assignments. 

As I was busy worrying, I heard some belly laughter from a nearby table. It was five elderly women. Silver hair. Great fashion sense. Dainty make-up. And my inner stalker/eavesdropper came to surface.

They were catching up. Talking about life, old memories, hot men, and there were even a few sexual comments. I LOVED it. They were hilarious. 

Their raw, genuine happiness sparked some self-reflection on my part. I thought about my life. I imagined me, 40 years from now- at that table- reminiscing with my girls. Where will we all be? What will we have gone through by then?

I thought about getting older and how I will handle it. I thought about time and how fast it truly flies. I thought about my family & friends and  how much I love and miss them. Most of all- I thought about these last years in college. I only have two more. Why is it that I complain so often, when I'm blessed with so much. 

People can tell us a million times to cherish every second of your life- but we won't. No, not until something opens our eyes. Something as simple as witnessing a conversation between old friends. 

These last two years are the time to make those "belly laugh" worthy memories. This is the time to appreciate being in school. It's a time to value the friends who surround you. Because- chances are.. after graduation- everyone is going to be busy building their own lives. Raising their own children. Going their own direction. And it won't be until all of that settles down- before you come back together, and meet for lunch- where you'll recall all those times you spent together. When you'll be brought back to a place you once couldn't wait to leave. And that place will hold the biggest smiles in your heart.

Those beautiful ladies were amusing. They were also a reminder. 50 years from now really is going to feel like yesterday..only it won't be. I don't know about you- but I hope I'm at that table, wrinkles and all, still laughing. Still the same quirky, wild, edgy me. Surrounded by pals who bring out the best in me. I can only pray that one day- I'll be sitting right were they were. Remembering the past and making new memories as I do it. 


                                                 

10 reasons it's going to be okay

Rough day? Tough week? I totally get it. Been there. BUT! My sad little friend, I'm here to put the pep back in your step. I'm going to put the Alfredo sauce back on your noodles! Oh, wow.. okay..that came out wrong- but you catch the drift.

Feel lousy NO MORE! (and I hope you're smiling by this point..no, not even a little one? ahh- there we go) Okay, so now that we're all smiling, here are 10 reasons why everything is going to be okay.

Uno. 

Tu eres muy bonita! (insert needed accent marks). Just kidding, I'm not here to speak a foreign language or convince you that life is all goo goo's and gaga's- even though that first statement is true. (you know- the one about you being beautiful.)  I just want you to know that you're enough. And whatever problem/situation/drama that's infecting your mood right now..well, it's probably meant to be.

Two. 

What is bothering you? I'm not asking a rhetorical question. I want you to say it. Right now. Just talk to your computer. I want you to cry. Stop being so strong for everyone. Let. It. Out. Sometimes  tears pave the way to the next chapter. They allow you to rid of emotion and hurt and stress. Open  the dam. (in this case..your tear ducts) Let out the water. Then, when it's all gone..shut the door. And start fresh.

Three.

Allie and Noah found each other after 7 years a part. Trust me, you'll find your way. (don't grow a beard along the way, though. Pretty sure Ryan Gossling is the only man who I'm still attracted to with a beard.)

Four. 

Those people you're trying to impress? They're weird, too. They're just too busy blending in and not brave enough to stand out. So, take a stance. Stand out! Even if they're hating on you for it. PS) As  my wise cousin, Katie Latimer, says.."Haters gonna hate. Potatoes gonna Po Tate."

Five: 

You'll come out of this mess a winner. I mean, Chris Brown made a comeback.

Six:   

You don't owe anything to anyone. Feel how you want to feel. Be justified in knowing that you know what's best for you. I don't mean to sound like a hallmark card, but being confident in who you  are- what you want- and where you are going is soo hard.. but I know, in my heart that one day you'll get there. I already believe it. Why don't you?

Seven:

You don't have chlamydia.. or do you? Just teasing. See, humor is literally a funny thing. Stop being so serious. And just laugh/joke about the situation- or just in general. It'll make you feel  better.

Eight:

People who are confused will fall into old habits. Break promises. Seeking validation from others and acceptance, not caring who gets hurt along the way. And maybe that's the reason why you're reading this. Or maybe it's not. Say how you feel. Apologize. Or live with it, free of outside input. Whatever the case- whoever you are- it's never too late. But I think you already know that.

Nine:

When no one understands you, music will.

Ten:

Oprah Winfrey says that  true forgiveness is saying, "thank you for that experience." How beautiful is that? And it applies to so much more than forgiveness. So, when it's over- say thank you. Be grateful. And know that you- being different than everyone else- is a blessing to the entire world. EMBRACE IT!

Keep dancing. Sizzle & spice make for excellent times!

What if I told you?

The healing process. Why does it seem never ending? Why is it that half a year can go by..without a thought of "that one guy who I totally liked". Then, one day- all these emotions just knock on my door, without warning. Without welcome. And it's on my mind. It's annoying and painful. 

It's been a little over a year. I should've forgotten him by now, right? Believe me when I tell you that every single atom of my body wants to move on and forget him. Every ounce of my soul yearns for an undamaged heart. So to answer that question--Oh, boy.. do I wish it were that easy.

I'm no expert. But I think the reason I get these "knocks" on my door...is because I never really let the emotions out in the first place. I've held onto them..deep inside, fearing vulnerability. Burying the experience and ignoring it. But repression is a temporary solution. So, today..I share with you my vulnerability. I'm getting the shovel and digging back up the unfinished business that lives in my heart. With hopes of truly healing, with a lifetime free of those awful reminders.

See, the truth is- and it's almost sickening to admit- that I miss the feelings I had when I was with him. I miss his care free spirit and ability to make me laugh. Like really genuinely..obnoxiously..belly laugh. I miss how a conversation about nothing could turn into the best moments, ever. I miss the feeling of butterflies- that only he could give me. That giddiness..that happiness...that wholeness... I miss his smile and bickering back and forth. I miss the nicknames and pure fun times. I miss saying the most embarrassing things, because I was so darn nervous. I miss looking up music video's and telling him stories. I miss having such a special connection with someone.I miss having him in my life. I just miss my friend. And trust me, I feel like a complete idiot saying all of this. I feel like I'm making a fool of myself. Because why- WHY- has it been so difficult for me...to say goodbye.. 

I'm afraid that I'll never have an experience like that again. So, I hold on to every memory.. so I'll never forget what it's like. So I remember that there's hope. That it exists. To meet someone who drives you crazy..but against all odds- you manage to love them anyway. Just for who they are. I loved him as a person. I was never in love with him. And that's the hard part. Recognizing that now..after I've already lost him. 

There's a song by Jason Walker..titled, What if I told you. I agonize over that question. Lose sleep over it. What if I'd just told him how I felt, before it was too late. When he asked me what was wrong..what if I had told him the truth, instead of lying? Not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. Pathetic, right? 

But there's also a part of me that is so very angry. That's so disgusted with myself- for even wanting to put myself in that position again. He hurt me. So bad. And because of that experience, I have a terribly tough time with letting people get close to me. In fact, I'm a master at ignoring guys. To protect my heart- I stay numb. To the entire "guy" situation. It scares the hell out of me. But I'm sick and tired of this pity party. It's got to end. This merry go 'round of emotion must come to a halt. And I'm the only one operating this ride. So, I have the power to make it end. 

That said- Here's my goodbye letter.


To whom it may concern,

I'm better than this. I'm no longer weak. In fact, I welcome vulnerability. Because it means I still care. And what do we have- if we don't care. I've spent long enough pondering the "what if's" and "why's". I'm over playing a victim. Because I am not a victim. I am victorious. Because I have survived. Yes, something undesirable happened. So, what? There will be many times in my life where I'm challenged. But never forget what those obstacles teach us. I met a good guy. And I've been pegging him as the bad guy for way too long. He was a decent person, who taught me that it's possible to love. He gave me a brief insight to feeling for someone else. And although he may not have reciprocated those feelings towards me, he taught me an important lesson. Through the experience of meeting him, I realized what it's like to not have control over a situation. To guide with my heart, instead of my mind- for once. He taught me that friendship doesn't mean forever. That life can sometimes get complicated. And that it's okay to let go. I'm confident that he has- long ago. So, now..it's my turn. To let go. From the bottom of my heart, I wish him the absolute best. I pray that he will meet someone half as awesome as he is. And I pray that they will deeply love each other..and that it will work out for them. I hope that his dreams come true. I hope that one day, he can forgive me...for being an overemotional girl. A long time ago..I made peace with him. And I truly feel as though from that point on, he hasn't been the issue. Just the emotions that came with the experience. It was just remembering the way I felt. Not so much wanting him back. 

Today I let go all of the emotions of that long forgotten friendship. I release my self of the pondering. I free myself of blaming him for any issues in my life. I retire my title of "victim". No longer will I waste another second, minute, or day thinking of old times. It's over. Life is still moving. And it's time to get on a track that's going somewhere..instead of this dead end. It's so hard to explain..but this huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. And I finally feel confident saying..."goodbye". 

There, I finally told you.

Kelsie

19 years ago today.

19 years ago today, my baby sister was born. 

In technical terms, Katie is my cousin. Her father is my mother's brother. (Try saying that ten times fast) She was welcomed by three older brothers, and it was my first encounter with another "girl" in the family. I was only a one year old when she came into this great life..so I don't remember much surrounding her initial arrival. What I do remember is my childhood, with her, at our grandma Sandy's. 

I remember wearing our grandma's high heals and lip stick at age 3. I remember fighting on the first step of the stairs, for hours. I remember walking to the Hanna store..and while Kate was fearless on that 2 mile journey, I (the paranoid one) carried a nail file in my back pocket, "just in case". I remember grandma putting hot rollers in our hair. And during the wait until the reveal, Katie did my makeup, and I did hers. And oh boy, did we feel like movie stars. I remember sneaking down those creaking stairs, trying not to make a sound, and crawling to the computer chair, where our grandpa was playing spider solitaire. We would release that lever on the bottom of the chair, and he would jolt down, startled. (how mean was this?!) He wasn't too happy, but he still loved us..even if we were ornery. I remember putting ribbons and bows in his silver hair and laughing really hard. I remember baking homemade cookies with grandma, and while Kate was always the "cook" I just kind of watched and ate the dough. I remember Dr. Cassel and playing restaurant. I remember Rebecca's and singing contests. I remember practicing corn rows on each other, till our heads hurt..and playing cards at the river. And most of all, I remember having a sister..even though I really didn't have a sister at all. 

Katie gave me memories. Good memories. Memories that bring tears to your eyes, from laughter. And the ones that I've shared are only a few pages in a very large book. 

We understand each other and our crazy family. And I know that through each important event in my life..she will be there. I know that through every adventure and risk, Katie will support me. I know that I know what it's like to have a true and genuine sister, because of her. 

I often wonder, what if. What if my uncle and aunt hadn't been in the right place at the right time? What if they'd never met, and I'd never had Kate. And the answer to those "what if's" is my childhood would have been empty. So, when it comes to Katie's birthday, I'm reminded of how lucky I am..all because she was born. 

Happy Birthday, Katie. And if you're reading, I hope you know how very proud I am of my favorite girl. I love you, sis. 

Wishing my readers a day full of love and happiness. May your hearts stay warm. 

*Power for the soul*

I've been called cliche too many times to count. But I wouldn't have it any other way. So, I've compiled some of my favorite quotes and sayings. The ones that really strike and empower my soul.

From me to you-- here are some simple words that hold a much greater meaning. May you find a personal connection to each one.


"To all the girls that think you're ugly because you're not a size 0, 
you're the beautiful one's. It's society who's ugly."
-Marilyn Monroe

"That's the thing about needs. Sometimes, when you get them met...
you don't need them anymore."
-Carrie Bradshaw

"If you're always trying to be normal you will never know how amazing
you can be."
-Maya Angelou

"Don't become a stranger to yourself by blending in with everyone else."
-Dodinsky

"Don't be so hard on yourself. Please be gentle. Speak to yourself in more loving
and encouraging ways. Your inner dialogue is the most powerful voice you hear.
Turn down the volume of the critic.
-Christine Hassler

"True forgiveness is when you say THANK YOU for that experience."
-Oprah Winfrey

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way to avoid the trap of
thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no
reason not to follow your heart.
-Steve Jobs

"Maybe it's hard to believe what's with my obvious charm and good looks, but
people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time..I believed them.
But after a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you. Just trust who 
you are."
-Shrek

"I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw. I'm scared of what I did,
of who I am..and most of all, I'm scared of walking out of this room and 
never feeling the rest of my life, the way I feel when I'm with you.
-Baby, Dirty Dancing

"Achievement is by dictionary definition a product of struggle."
-Dan Kennedy

"You can't win a marathon without putting some band-aids on your nipples."
-Dave Harken, Horrible Bosses

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be 
happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart,
I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need
love, and then you don't have it? What if you shaped your whole life around it, and 
then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ
damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever."
-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you, he likes you. Never
try to trim your own bangs. And someday, you will meet a wonderful guy and get your
very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told, implores us to wait for it-
the third act twist..the unexpected declaration of love..the exception to the rule..But sometimes
we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell
from the one's who want us and the one's who don't. The one's who will stay from the one's
who will leave. And maybe, a happy ending doesn't include a guy. Maybe..it's you..on your 
own..picking up the pieces and starting over..freeing yourself up for something better in the
future. Maybe the happy ending is just..moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this..
Knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken hearts...through the blunders
and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment..you never gave up..hope."
-Gigi, He's Just Not that into You.

"But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely, because almost everyone
has that smallest bit of faith and hope..that one day, they would open their eyes
and it would all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up
when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale is slightly
different than your dream. The castle, well it may not be a castle. And it's not so important
that it's happy ever after--just that it's happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue
moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while, people may even take your breath away."
-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

"Some people pass through our lives for a reason. To teach us lessons that could never be
learned if they stayed."
-Mandy Hale

"Let someone love you just as you are. As flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you
might feel, as unaccomplished as you might think you are; let someone love you just as you are.
..And let that someone be- you.."
-Sandra Kring

"You are the answer. Brilliance, Beauty, Worth, Humor, Weirdness, Potential, Creativity..
Right there inside you are the ingredients for greatness. Don't burn the recipe."
-Kelsie Long

Walking contradiction !@#$%^&*

The thing about life is I'll never be sure about it. And maybe that's the beauty. Not completely understanding. But living anyway. 

There will always be moments, days, weeks, where I feel like I've failed. One day, I'll have this really great day. And the next day? Well, it may not be that great. Sometimes I change my mind, my feelings, my views. It's a roller coaster personality. But conflict within is imperfect. It's what makes us weird and unpredictable. And I love that. 

If everyone was sure about everything...life wouldn't be so spicy. And sometimes we all need that little kick, because it makes every second worth it. 

Open a Webster's dictionary. You won't find my name. You won't find yours either. We can't be defined. Because we are growing each and every day. With every challenge, tragedy, loss, and happy ending...we grow into this better version of ourselves. Always improving. Always changing. But never giving up. Never quite certain of what is to come. 

I've come to the conclusion that I just don't make sense. I've spent so much time trying to figure out who I really am. Having this belief that you have to know who you are. Preaching that in order to be whole you must love yourself. You must be secure with the person you are. What I've realized, though, is that this isn't true. 

The real truth is that insecurity is part of being a human being. And if all of us were secure in every aspect of our lives, this society would be perfect. Lindsay Lohan would never have tried drugs. Beyonce would never have made a movie, confessing to the world that even she doesn't feel confident sometimes. Politicians wouldn't have to pick each other a part for a vote. There would be more plus size models. And you wouldn't be reading this right now.

If each of us truly embraced who we are and loved our flaws...then we wouldn't wear makeup. We wouldn't flip on the TV only to see commercial after commercial marketing self-improvement products. Like the newest anti-aging cream. Or the magical mascara that will lengthen lashes. That will make you more beautiful than you already are.

The truth is, we are all a work in progress. Life is a work in progress. And we are all a little insecure. And what I've come to realize--is... that's okay.

In this great life, (and I do mean great), we are walking contradictions. Just remember- it's a human quality. And it's beautiful- just..like...YOU! 

Conversation, Google, and Grandpa.

Creativity gives me a way to contribute a little bit of my weirdness to the world. And I don't know what it is about a good old fashion "do it yourself" kind of project- but I LOVE taking something ordinary and making it quirky.

Bringing some much needed life back into used and forgotten items reminds me that nothing is a lost cause. It reminds me that there is an unconditional hope for anything and anyone. No matter how beaten up..or ugly..or unconventional..with some TLC and a smile it's totally possible. 

While scrolling through Google images, looking at ideas for decorating, I stumbled upon this super awesome end table made from recycled books. It was brilliant. And I thought, I have to try to do this! Not knowing the amount of brain power this new adventure was going to take.

After a hefty workout, my cousin Katie and I took a trip to our local Goodwill. Just so happens books were on sale for some ridiculously cheap amount. Score! We tried to grab for inspiring titles like, "Color your Future..Fearless and Flawless...City of Dreams..." I was going for an inspirational piece. 

I'm sure I looked completely crazy as I was creating this end table from this vision I had in my head. Right there, on the Goodwill floor...this thing was really starting to come to life! Woo-hoo! So, I ended up with about 20 books and a serious arm workout. 

Once I got the books home I realized this would be harder than I thought. I left them on the front porch for a solid week- pondering how in the heck I was going to pull this off. Then, I called the man who knows everything- my grandpa. He accepted the challenge without any questions. My dad lined up the parts needed. All I had to do was put them in my car and head over to grandpa's. 

My brother helped, too. He was designated driller. Grandpa was the brains behind the operation. And me, well, I guess I was just the one with the picture in my head. We worked for around 2 hours total. Drilling and gluing and cutting. It was the best 2 hours, ever! Bonding with my grandpa and brother. Working as a team. Laughing and cracking jokes. Figuring out the complicated end table together. Well, it was a memory that I'll always treasure. 

This "do it yourself" project turned into a "do it together" one...and I wouldn't have had it any other way. That book end table, that no one really understood at first, took on a new life. And gave me some unforgettable moments in return. And you can bet your bottom.. this conversation piece will stay in the family for awhile. 

Quality time. So simple. Yet, sometimes, so neglected. Getting caught up in our own schedules and not making time for those who are most important- well, it happens more often than it should. And I'm a repeat offender. But from now on, I'm going to try my VERY BEST to make time for my favorites. Because they are the ones who put the happiness in my heart and the genuine smiles on my face. 

So, thank you Google images...for reminding me that in this great life, the only thing guaranteed is time. So instead of watching it pass, let's make it count.

Wishing you a day as beautiful as you are!

 Completed Vision.

In my mother's eyes

In my mother's eyes I see hope. I see a genuine heart, who would do anything for anyone regardless of the circumstance. I see a woman who raised me with a tender hand and loving arms. I see undeniable beauty- not just superficial but deep inside her soul. Her spirit is unreal. I guess you just have to meet her to understand.

Unknowingly she guides and heals those around her. She's able to build such a connection with people- they swear they've known her forever. I don't know if it's her gentle smile or her attentiveness to everyone else's needs, but my mother is unlike anyone else in this world.

She's been an R.N. for around 25 years, working with Alzheimer's patients. And even though they have a tough time remembering, they remember my mom. Because she goes above and beyond mandated duties. She just loves them. That's all. But it makes such a difference in their fragile lives.

I look at her these days and think, "how could one person be so very remarkable and not even know it?" I think, "I am the luckiest girl in the world."

Though I'm sure I put a few of those gray hairs on her head, my mom has been my biggest fan. The best thing she's ever done for me is simple. She just loves me.

Mom, if you’re reading I just want to convey my deepest thanks. From the bottom of my heart. You always have the right words, no matter the situation. Thank you for those words.  I hope one day you’ll realize just how important you are in this great life. 

To my readers: 


May you feel inspired. May you live each day with a heart full of warmth and love. May you look in the mirror and smile at the person inside. And may you be blessed to have a mother like mine.

I found a note

I decided to get organized. So, I put on my hard hat and got to work. While rummaging through old papers and doing the annual purge, I found a note I'd written around the time I began this blog. This is what it said.

"There is a certain freedom in embracing the person inside. Not caring what whoever thinks. Not caring what whoever says. I spent so much time caring, yearning for acceptance. I wanted that special guy to come 'save me'. Well… I've played damsel in distress for way too long. Time to put on my big girl panties and love myself, free of outside input. There was this guy… okay, not just a guy. He was a really good friend. The only guy friend I've ever had, and frankly the only guy that’s ever made an effort to get to know me. We clicked. Had a lot of laughs, smiled till our cheeks hurt, and just had fun. The thing is I ruined our friendship. I ruined it because I started feeling these stupid feelings. I started getting butterflies, blushing, and being 'that girl'. You know- the one that brings a little vomit to your mouth, because watching her throwing herself @ said man disgusts you… yeah, her. I sacrificed a friendship because I’m human. BUT it served as a major learning experience. And I finally feel the beauty of moving on. I allowed him to control my mood and my emotions. WHO DOES THAT? Well, me. A girl who really genuinely cared. I sought advice from close friends. I shed many tears. I even was crazy enough to think he’d come back. Beg me to take him. Tell me he actually liked me more than just his friend. It didn't happen. And I wasted so many opportunities, so many experiences, waiting on a man who never wanted me. Wanting a man who never thought twice about me. Giving him control, again. There were repercussions, too. Emotionally- I didn't want to open up to anyone. Pushed people away. Avoided connection. 

The beauty of moving on—the wisdom follows you. Becomes a part of you. And the pain dulls and fades. Your heart miraculously repairs. It puts some Neosporin and Band-Aids on those wounds and screams “USE ME AGAIN!” So, here I am. 19 years old. Alone. And loving it. Here’s to living my life for ME. Here’s to loving myself FOREVER. HERE’S TO STARTING FRESH!"

After reading I felt a sense of pride. See, when we go through our highs and lows of life we sometimes forget that the wisdom we seek is right there-- inside of us. 

I hope you feel your own wisdom. May it be in the form of a note, a self-pep talk, or simply listening closely to your heart. Because whether you know it or not- things will get better. Know how I know? Easy. You're a beautiful person. And you will find your way.

I love you,

Kelsie. 

Smile from a stranger.

My mom went into Papa John's to pick up some pizza we ordered for New Year's. She was only going to be a minute, so I waited in the car. 

And as bitter as it sounds, I was having one of those days where I resented anyone who was happy. I just wasn't feeling that great about my life. I felt like I'd hit a dead end or something. Nothing necessarily bad had happened...but nothing good, either. Sometimes when that cycle of  "sameness" hits you- it seems like you're a negativity magnet.

There I was- in a feeling sorry for myself, thinking deeply about life, and worrying about stuff, kind of mood.

Basically, sulking for no reason. 

And there she was- this perfectly perky stranger, leaving Papa John's, balancing a pizza on her left hand. As she elegantly walked out the doors I remember thinking, "Wow, she's gorgeous. Hate her. Bet she has plans tonight..or some hot date. Bet her life is perfect." 

So...I stare at her, with jealousy, like this.

I expect her to equally glare back at me. But instead, she stares back like this.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that her smile was so genuine I caught myself smiling right back- without even thinking. Almost like a happy reflex. 

Talk about a moment where I felt like a complete a-hole for judging someone I didn't even know. Pegging her to be this person in my head, who was so much cooler than I was. Glaring at this stranger with distaste. Trying to convince her that I was better than her or something with one hateful glance. When, in fact, I was the jealous one. All because I was having an awful day. 

It's been almost 6 months since that smile from a stranger. But I'm continually grateful for her positivity. Because it really lit up my dark day. 

Who would've thought? One smile could change a person. 

To this day, when I'm walking down the street or through a store, and I come across a sour face (like mine earlier this year), I give that person the most genuine, caring smile I can muster. Because even though it's such a small gesture- it can really leave a lasting impact. And in some small way, I need to return the favor I was given on a rainy day. 

In this great life, sometimes it's the people who know nothing about you- that have the ability clear up your once foggy view of the world. Be that stranger to someone. Trust me, they will be forever touched.

Little mud to heal the soul: *one DIRTY adventure!*

It's been awhile, huh? I just haven't been in the writing mood lately. Maybe it's the catching up with old pals. Maybe it's the endless coffee and lunch dates (that I LOVE!). Or, maybe it's because for the first time in a long time, I've been busy adventuring! Can I get a woo-hoo for happiness? 

Recently, two of my very good friends and I ventured to Noblesville to participate in the Dirty Girl 5K mud run. I first read about the muddy fun in a Cosmo magazine my roommate bought. My first thought was, ahhh-there's NO WAY I can complete an obstacle course in the mud. But my inner runner said, "Go for it!" And that's what I did. 

Megan and Lynndsey (the daring dirty girls that weren't afraid of a little mud) ran with me. The best part was the totally non-competitive nature of the event. No timer. No pressure. Just strong women. Many survivors of breast cancer. Go survivors!!

When we arrived, I was a little apprehensive. The first obstacle I saw was this humongous pink slide with a mud pit at the end. My eyes bugged a little and I thought, "I've got to climb that?" But climb it we did, along with many other mudders.

BONUS: at every obstacle there were these holy-moley, hunkah-hunka, cutie pahh-tootie, tan and handsome men!! They facilitated participants through the obstacles. And man-OH-man...I was never so happy to be a participant. (wink) Just a side note, as I was covered in mud and looking a little--eh--crusty? I slipped down a hill and landed in the river. BUT, no worries. I fell into the arms of a God like creature, and he smiled at me! Heart=melted. Needless to say, this mud run is the MOST FUN I've ever had in my ENTIRE LIFE! 

As you know, I've been working on body peace. You know, loving me...all of me...forever. And it was at this crazy adventure where I honestly, truly, fully made peace with myself. I saw women. All shapes and sizes. Fearless. Celebrating their bodies. No judging.

I was surrounded by these inspirational people-who, despite the challenge, welcomed the impossible. And that, my friends, is revolutionary.

As we reached the end of the course we dove into our last mud pit.. swimming away the hatred for the bodies that got us there...rolling away the shame for our insecurities...embracing the very thing we've spent years degrading...making peace with the women we have become. Best moment of my existence. 

After that last pit, we entered the shower room. (basically, a big room with hoses) I saw women- stretch marks and all, bearing their skin...washing off the mud. Smiling with accomplishment. Exposing their vulnerability for all to see. With no shame. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 

And for the first time EVER, I took my shirt off in public. Only a sports bra. Hosing my body down. Washing away the shame and embarrassment I've held onto for so long. Freedom. Finally. 

The room was getting packed, hoses were in demand, and we decided to walk out to the car to change. So I walked, to the car, exposed. My belly showing. My biggest insecurity- out there- for husbands, and children, and fellow mud runners to see. Something I wouldn't have been caught dead doing 24 hours ago. 

But I would never take that moment back. 

That mud run changed my life. And I'm SO HAPPY I decided to go out of my comfort zone. Because I'm a better person for it. 

This great life will throw journey's your way, without notice. And it'll be up to you to rise to the challenges presented. My advice, beautiful person reading this, is to take every single one of them. There's no doubt in my mind that through those journeys, you too will find peace. 

Snapshots from an unforgettable journey:

First obstacle I saw! eek. (so, fun.)

Finish. 

Amen to BODY PEACE!

Mapping LOVE.

Sometimes, I wonder if I've already met my soul mate. Maybe it was a brief encounter. Maybe he was across the room from me at a restaurant.  Maybe we passed each other in the city. Maybe he's exploring his life right now, just like I am. And maybe one day, I'll finally meet him. When it's right.

But there's also this fear- that it won't ever happen for me. I've come to accept that, though. Because I made a promise to myself a long time ago, that I will wait for true love...even if time seems to be running out. Some call it having too high of expectations. I like to think of it as realizing what you truly want and waiting for it.

Despite the disappointments, I will never give up hope that my true love is out there. He's out there. It's just a matter of where. Trust me, if I could pull out a map and find him right now, I'd go any distance. But that's not how this works. Patience really is a virtue, huh?

Until then, let's be patient together. Let's promise to fill our lives with happiness and embrace single-hood while we wait.  Let's feel whole without anyone else in the picture. But let's be ready when they finally enter it.

Here's to us. The movie moment wanting, fairy tale believing, lyric understanding, been there done that's, figuring it all out's, and waiting for the one- type of people.

In this great life, I hope you get what you're waiting for.